Now that I've written that song about going crazy for my ex-gf and creating worlds in my mind where she's still mine, here is an example of that world I created in my head:
Had to remove this again, it's still too delusional to be out there. Remains hidden in the elements.
Here's a new essay I'll format later : 6.18.23 (Semi-Formatted on 7.10.23)
"Sissy" started out as a derogatory name for a male who exhibits feminine characteristics, like when a boy cries during a sport his friends might call him a sissy. In porn, "sissy" refers to a male who is so feminine that they are told to play the part of a girl during sex. Eventually, a Sissy is a male who desires to be a woman, and even self-hypnotizes himself to feel like one, or takes mind-altering drugs. The sissy sometimes even prevents his own dick from getting hard with a chastity cage, and gets off by anal penetration and pretending to be a woman. This road ends at the male taking hormone altering drugs or literally getting a sex change. At that point the male has become a trans woman.
Male -> Sissy -> Trans Woman
The male cannot become a real woman ever. That's why we put the word "trans" in front of them to describe them. I am a male. I started down the sissy path and was watching hypno porn and smoking pot, but I never did "poppers" and I never prevented my dick from growing. I never took hormones or wanted a sex change. However, the path scared me, and so I wanted to rebound in the other direction. The polar opposite of a trans woman is an alpha male. So in order to run away from the direction I was going, I run towards becoming an alpha male. This causes me to work out, eat healthy, make money, and pursue real women.
Alpha Male <-- Male --< Sissy
Whether I try to be an alpha male or a woman, either way I am doomed to fail. (the very concept of an alpha male in humans could be adequately dismantled if a skilled enough interlocutor took a stab at it.) The question is in which direction would I prefer to fail. I prefer to fail at becoming an alpha male. Even if I fail to reach Alpha Male status, at least I will be a strong male. Elam, was invented by me while I was struggling with Sissy Hypno Porn on the internet. Elam has brought me back to center, but I'm still not at the weight I'd like (although I am looking better), I still don't have the girl or money I'd like. (although I am about to get a raise / promotion) A male trying to be a female goes against God's designs. The entire Trans-movement is inherently anti-christian and anti-God. I would like to have a healthy family one day and to provide for them. I realize calling out every man in the world in a challenge for Alpha status is a little bit absurd but it's simply me trying to climb out of a cave that others are falling into completely.
I am just Elam. Not Elam Ahpla, just Elam. Elam Ahpla is too big of a name to live up to for now. Another mistake I've made is saying that I am not Max, I am only Elam. The truth is that I am both. (like how I have both urls maxjann.com and elamahpla.com go to the same place) I embrace my masculinity and femininity and the truth of my gender role. I embrace my legal name and also the name I've given to my spirit. I have worked very hard on my website. I want to draw attention to it so people can experience it. "Everybody Look At Me" is what my dad joked Elam stood for, and he's right. I can see now how that isn't the person I want to be, but I do want to have something I've worked hard on be known without being annoying or obtrusive on others. Electricity Light And Magnetism is more like it.
Sometimes I have something valuable to share, and other times I'm just chasing subscribers or trying to be cool. On my instagram I continue to have 117 posts and 117 followers. I have found that keeping my posts to 117 forces me to delete one each time I want to upload. This makes my uploads better, and results in only the best 117 posts I've ever made getting saved. I am considering doing the same with my youtube channel. Dunbar's number is 150 and that's supposedly how many real connections you can actually maintain with people, so I like using 117 for that.
Balance is key. Trying to be Jesus isn't realistic, but maybe I was tired of living in Hell.
Have you ever had wet tires and spun out trying to overcorrect your steering while your car is sliding? Your car is sliding and your facing left, so you turn right so you can go straight, but then your car is facing too right, and eventually you repeat this less and less until you are able to find your path again. That's what I feel like I'm doing with my life.
Being bipolar is hard, one minute you couldn't be happier with everything, and the next it all falls apart instantly. I dropped my glasses yesterday and had a nervous breakdown and had to go home early.
I have an animal inside of me, that's hard to control. Satanism says to let it out, and Christianity says to hold it back, but maybe it's both. Let it out but with a leash on it. I talk a lot about Jesus, but instead of objectifying God and looking at God as something outside of yourself judging you, maybe we really only need to get permissions from ourselves when to let that animal go in a responsible way.
The truth is that I know so little. I know that there isn't enough time in a lifetime to get to the truth of my existence. I have to pick and choose what I pay attention to and focus on. I have chosen to be a harbinger of truth but that truth is that I know almost nothing.
I believe Jesus is LORD. but maybe not! Maybe God is Lord and Jesus was just a man! The bosses son, as Alan Watts puts it. All I can do is the best I can to understand the biggest mysteries of life. All this internal searching and I'm still not entirely sure who I am. I am still not entirely sure of what I should do. What it all means. So while the Book of Elam was a very definitive declaration of who I am, the truth is I don't know, and that book was just a guess. A guess that evened me out because I was too passive and feminine in my 20's. What is important is what I do. Does God control my environment? I did a good deed the other day, but was that God giving me that opportunity or did I give it to myself by moving into this city?
I talk about how I'm a white blood cell, but declaring myself Alpha and Omega seems toxic. I admire God, and I want to be like God. Imitation is said to be flattery. But I think what a real WBC would do is whatever's right in the moment, no matter how small. The most common example where I think white blood cells could be useful in our world, metaphorically speaking, is when 100 cars are driving in a line and none of them pause to let the other car coming out of the gas station to join into the line. It takes a special person to stop the line of 100's just to let the 1 in, and yet it's necessary, otherwise the 1 person will never be able to join the stream of cars.
Last night I watched the movie "I Kill Giants" and it's about this little girl who is trying to save her town from Giants. It's told from the perspective of the little girl, and as an audience member she had me going that she really was a hero. Then you find out that really her mom is just dying and she's avoiding reality with her fantasy. It made me cry and I really wanted the Giants to be real and for her to not be crazy, just like how I want the conspiracies to be real and for me to not be crazy. Maybe I am just like that little girl. Valuable, but delusional. Personally, I believe that upon critical analysis some conspiracies are in fact true, but the movie still hit me like a ton of bricks when it comes to my delusion theories about myself and my past relationships.
This morning I watched a bunch of videos on a subreddit that had influencers who think they're the center of the universe and doing cringy stuff and getting in peoples way all for some stupid video. That also hit me hard because I can be kind of an attention whore although I don't think I'm too inconsiderate in real life, although I did once try to stop traffic but at least I wasn't filming myself and it was only to try to share the Gospel / take a stand or test my power.
When I was a little kid on the home videos I would always fly into the scene singing and dancing and I think I was born to be an entertainer. But I have to be within balance. I have to find a balance between my two poles as a bipolar person. I have to stay as grounded as possible because I'm so far up in the clouds. When I did a tarot reading recently, I was consistently told to focus on the Earth and ground myself in reality now and how that's the best thing for you. I'm more than double the revenue of the next employee in my group at work and yet I'm paid less. So I'm not happy about that at all, but I don't fully agree with all the antiwork sentiment. I named my recent video D.O.G. because I knew it contained delusions of grandeur and I think not that many people watched it but I really regret some of what I said in that video. I would love to be more humble and in balance with myself.
Not blogging this year has freed up some time but now I think I'm making too many pointless videos. My New Jerusalem stones are cool but why can't they just be cool without me making a video about it. What's wrong with me? Maybe I'm just lonely, but a couple of my friends want to hang out and for some reason I don't want to. I think it's because I'm so tired from work and so thankful to have a day off that I never want to plan anything for my day off because that just feels like work to me. (Been hanging out with friends lately and feeling a lot better 7.10.23)
The good news is I'm walking / running / tanning / working out a lot more and I've been eating pretty well and I've completely stopped drinking soda. I've also cut down my porn usage a lot but I'm not going to lie to you I have a strong urge today to watch some, and maybe I will. Maybe that's OK. At the end of the day, I have to live with myself and the choices I make. It's not the things that are out of my control that haunt me, it's only what I could have done better. But I don't want to put unsafe amounts of weights on myself. However, life passes you by pretty quickly. I need to have a sense of urgency in my life to achieve greatness or I never will.
I'm proud of my website today. I have this beautiful little music player on the homepage that shuffles through all my best songs and I think it works like a charm. I have adopted an all-black / wheat colour scheme and I think it works together well. I feel like I've finally got the homepage and site I need, and I really am proud of it. But Pride is a sin, and that's why I don't like Pride month. Sometimes I just want to be a regular person. I am embarrassed by calling myself an alpha male. "No True King has to yell I am the King" is something Tywin Lannister says to Joffrey in Game of Thrones. No true alpha has to declare himself the alpha.
I make mistake after mistake, fail after fail. But I fail forwards. And I learn from my mistakes. I learn and I learn and I think that I know things but really I am just learning how much everything is still up in the air and can be disproven at a moment's notice. I don't know very much at all. At least, I don't know as much as I've claimed to. So I relinquish all prior claims of absolute knowledge. All I can do from now on is stay aware, stay connected, respect God, myself, and others, and try to do the best I can.
If you don't want to be a Christian I don't blame you, but I encourage everyone to remain open-minded, even when you're sure you have something figured out.
I hope we aren't headed in as bad of a direction as the Bible fortells, but my current best assessment is that the world is flat, 9/11 was an inside job, the Illuminati is a real organization that runs the world with satanic worship. I think the Awards show at the Grammy's with Sam Smith dressed a devil would have been unthinkable when I was a child, but that's where we are now. That's what our society is broadcasting to families on TV that just want to see who won Best Album. There's something going on here with guys trying to be girls and vice-versa. The Nuclear Family is under attack. I am anti-totalitarianist and I very much like freedom of choice, religion, movement, etc. I feel I have a role to play, and although I'd accept a big one, I need to be content with doing what I can with what I can for now.
God Bless, Elam / Max
p.s. I really like some things about my journey in self-discovery. I'm reading a novel called "Cloud Cuckoo Land" right now simply because it has "Cloudland" in it which is the name of my story I wrote about Elam, and you know what? I love it so far. It's a great book. I also like that I have a favorite crystal in Lapis Lazuli, because it was found in the place called Ancient Elam and so I identify with that stone now. I like that when I write a rap, I actually have stuff to say that is real that I believe in. I like that I can design my own custom clothes using my symbol and colour scheme. Black and Gold or Blue with Green. I like that when someone hands me a paint brush and paint I know what belongs on the canvas. I like that I have found a guiding force to drive my behavior. My favorite thing of all is my business card I've designed. Gold glittered poster board with my symbol sharpied on the front, and a url to my website on the back. That is just so cool that I can hand that to people and they can immediately tell that it was hand-crafted and it's just so cool that I have a hand-crafted card that sparkles and sends you to my hand-crafted website. So although I make many glaring mistakes, and many of them may be turned off by my writings or speeches once they look into them, at least I have a good beginning. I know I'm only getting better. "Start, then Learn" is the best piece of advice I ever got because I know so much just by trying things out. My simple triangle and halo symbol has evolved into a rotating rainbow 3D perfect tetrahedron! My symbol has evolved into a beautiful set of A.I. variations, and some of my songs have been remastered by my friend and sound truly musically delightful. Some of my quotes pack a punch, while others falst flat. You have to start small and try to be tall. (You got to grow before you know) Even if I try to be too tall for my own good sometimes, I'm still growing. I am forever. I am Eternal. I am Tree. I am Elam. and I love you and I hope you figure out who you are before it's too late. I am a hypocrite. I am imperfect. I am all these things. But I am not giving up. I will continue to try to find out who I am, who created me, and where I'm going. I will continue to try to help others and myself. These videos and essays are for both of us, I hope. Gonna go watch some porn now. I just hope it isn't too gay. (it wasn't) I hope I can get a pretty girlfriend again someday. God fucking bless, and may God forgive my soul.
(Edited on 7.10.23)
If you're wondering why I let all this out for anyone to see, I think it's because it's like poison to hold it in and try to hide it. I sufferred for a lot of years trying to hide from my shy bladder OCD problem, and it wasn't until I opened up about my social anxiety that I was able to get over it. Holding it in is a mistake I'll never make again. I'd rather the whole world know everything about me than try to keep my poisonous secrets inside me. Letting them out is like sucking out the venom and spitting it back on the Earth. Fuck snakes, man. You want a rattlesnake vaccine? Why not? It'll protect you if you ever get bitten by a rattler. You just gotta experience the effects of getting bit by something that may have never bitten you. Or would you rather I give you the antidote only if you get bit? Ya, that's what I thought. Remember that the next time they try to inject you. Peace, Love, and Spiritual Warfare.
Elam
You know what I mean?